27.01.11

Now be warned, if you wanted to read about my usual theories or speculations this is not one of them. I wont be mad at you if you skimmed this. It would be perfectly normal

I feel bad for you who read my blog, i really do. I never give you any interesting stories, no news reports, no event reviews. Not a single report of my life is written here. All there is, are just my rants. About romance, about people, about every single fucking complaint i have in my miserable life. Yet, the thought that most of you call it genius leaves me baffled. It does really. Maybe i am some sort character to you. Even if i am, i appreciate the thought of someone actually reading this.

After half a year of no new posts, comes along a new rant. I hope you boys and girls are ready for it.

So yesterday, someone asked me "Are you happy?"

I answered with a brief "Sometimes i am, sometimes i'm not"

And the simple reply i received left me with the hardest question yet to answer

"It's a simple yes or no question, either you're happy or you're not"

I couldn't answer it, I did answer it but it was just a defensive movement. I really don't know the answer. Maybe i did in the past within some moments of my life, but i find myself more in moments where i smile, but without any intention of me to do so. Without any cause of me actually wanting to smile. Fuck it, I was smiling but i wasn't happy. Ironically i was smiling when this occurred.

I find myself depressing than ever. I see the glass half empty these days, that makes me a realist. What is more depressing is i don't even know that changing from the reckless impulsive but idealistic and cheerful person i used to be is good change or bad. I used to be the kind of person who would do things just for the sake of being right, or for the sake of my ideals, and everything i do to fruition was almost never in my benefit. But i believe it was the right thing to do. Now i'm boring, i am your average joe. Making the best of a unfair handicap.

Maybe i should try not to worry that much anymore, I know my life is gonna be much more harder than some others. It doesn't mean i have to worry about it right? We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars-(oscar wilde) ... kinda thing right? I dunno, you guys never answer any of my questions anyway. I know i'm supposed to be mature for a person my age. But in my head, i truly do believe i am the most childish of the bunch. I have to start being a positive person again i guess, minus the anti-depressants... or maybe being the person i am right now is the right way to go.

I never found myself in a more confusing position, but it's normal right? I have my rights, i am fucking underage. I have the right to act this way.

So this is me signing out, feels better to get that out of the way. keep reading folks.

I'll be posting more.. i promise

This is dangeresque, and have a good night.